As anyone who knows me even a little knows, I hate Stephanie Meyers' Twilight series. It's a disgrace to good writing, provides the worst possible role model for young girls, and is such a waste of paper. I've never read the books . . . I tried, honestly, but Twilight is right up there with Angels&Demons in terms of books I just can't finish. So, based on hearing my friends talk and on seeing the pathetic trailer that was in front of The Proposal, here's all you need to know about New Moon!
One gloomy day in Forks, Washington, Edward the sparkly vampire says to Bella the klutzy idiot, "I love you more than anything else, you're mysterious and beautiful and the one girl I want to be with. But I'm too dangerous to be around you. So I'm leaving. Goodbye, my love!" He cries as he left to go . . . somewhere.
Bella stares after him and screams, "EDWARD!! Don't go!! You're the bestest person ever and my one true love, and all I want to do is stare at you and drop out of school and marry you and have lots of half vampire babies!! I can't live without you Edward, because I'm weak and pathetic and unintelligent and need a strong man in my life!!"
Edward really wants to stay, but he can't. Then Bella says desperately, "Edward, I can't live without you. I'm going to accidentally on purpose commit suicide by jumping off a cliff and all your family is going to help, 'cause they're just as stupid as me!"
So Edward thinks to himself, Uh-oh, she's going to kill herself! That's really bad!! What should I do?? He decided to go rescue her. So then, when Edward is hugging Bella (but not too hard, because he was a super strong vampire after all), he's like, "I was stupid to run away. You really do love me!"
Bella cheers and says, "YAY! Can I drop out of school and get turned into a vampire and be your stupid girlfriend now?"
But Edward pointed to the evil vampires behind them and was like, "Not quite yet, there's a war about to start."
And Bella cries 'cause she's sad, 'cause she has no goals in life. And Jacob's watching and he's like, "Why am I supposed to be in love with her again?"
Hope you enjoyed!! If you like Twilight, I hope you atleast have enough of a sense of humor to appreciate where I'm coming from with this =)
Wow, that's the sense of humour I love. I agree that the books rhetorically are horrible and she doesn't seem very smart for falling in love with a vampire. Thanks for getting a blog so I can hear(or more like read) your amazing insights on life and the stupidity of wanting to become a vampire because your boyfriend is one.
ReplyDeletehaha thanks ash =) this has been floating around in my head for a bit, and several people heard earlier versions of it, but i had to write it down so it would stop bugging me =) apparently i'm pretty close to the actual storyline, which is scary.
ReplyDeleteThat is a little scary. Well, I suppose we have to accept the fact that there are bad books out there. But, I like to think there are a plethora of good writers to balance out the bad ones. We need to get together again, it's been a long time.
ReplyDeleteyesyesyes first thing when i get back from UCI!! we have to talk books & politics my dear!! speaking of good books, have you finished the benazir bhutto autobiography yet? 'cause i have the supreme court book to lend you =)
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of an aim conversation we had or maybe i just have deja vu (i can't figure out how to put the proper accents) <3
ReplyDeletelivia: i think we might have had this. this is every bad thing i've ever said about twilight. pretty much =)
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