"New Moon" in 10 Minutes (ish)

As anyone who knows me even a little knows, I hate Stephanie Meyers' Twilight series. It's a disgrace to good writing, provides the worst possible role model for young girls, and is such a waste of paper. I've never read the books . . . I tried, honestly, but Twilight is right up there with Angels&Demons in terms of books I just can't finish. So, based on hearing my friends talk and on seeing the pathetic trailer that was in front of The Proposal, here's all you need to know about New Moon!

One gloomy day in Forks, Washington, Edward the sparkly vampire says to Bella the klutzy idiot, "I love you more than anything else, you're mysterious and beautiful and the one girl I want to be with. But I'm too dangerous to be around you. So I'm leaving. Goodbye, my love!" He cries as he left to go . . . somewhere.

Bella stares after him and screams, "EDWARD!! Don't go!! You're the bestest person ever and my one true love, and all I want to do is stare at you and drop out of school and marry you and have lots of half vampire babies!! I can't live without you Edward, because I'm weak and pathetic and unintelligent and need a strong man in my life!!"

Edward really wants to stay, but he can't. Then Bella says desperately, "Edward, I can't live without you. I'm going to accidentally on purpose commit suicide by jumping off a cliff and all your family is going to help, 'cause they're just as stupid as me!"

So Edward thinks to himself, Uh-oh, she's going to kill herself! That's really bad!! What should I do?? He decided to go rescue her. So then, when Edward is hugging Bella (but not too hard, because he was a super strong vampire after all), he's like, "I was stupid to run away. You really do love me!"

Bella cheers and says, "YAY! Can I drop out of school and get turned into a vampire and be your stupid girlfriend now?"

But Edward pointed to the evil vampires behind them and was like, "Not quite yet, there's a war about to start."

And Bella cries 'cause she's sad, 'cause she has no goals in life. And Jacob's watching and he's like, "Why am I supposed to be in love with her again?"

Hope you enjoyed!! If you like Twilight, I hope you atleast have enough of a sense of humor to appreciate where I'm coming from with this =)